Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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