The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
