32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
