Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Randomize
