1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.