I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize