I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
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I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?