Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
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Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
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I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.