The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
