so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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