I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
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I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
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Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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