The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
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