No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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