I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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