Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
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If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize