fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
