literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
