Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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