The maid of honor just puked.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
