I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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