My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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