I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
