The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
