Need sex. Gaining weight.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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