In America we eat man semen.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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