did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
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please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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