You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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