i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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