Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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