Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
