i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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