Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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