I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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