Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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