He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
