I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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