So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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