i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
