YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
