He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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