you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
