i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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