My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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