I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
