I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
