You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize