very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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