Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
