I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
