Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
