Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
