mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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