Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
