It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
