so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
