I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
