I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
