birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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