i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
