is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
