Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
