My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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