Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
