I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
